Suffering is inevitable, misery is optional
In last week’s post, I wrote on suffering, the first noble truth of Buddhist philosophy. Blog posts don’t do it justice but it’s worth whetting appetites if I can. I also wrote that suffering is inevitable, but misery is optional. Alas, we’ve gotten it entirely backward. We desperately want to believe that misery is natural – in fact, we wear misery with pride. We also think that suffering can somehow be defeated by believing the right things, acquiring enough of the right things, and being liked by the right people.
How’s that working out for you?
The difference between suffering and misery
We all know people who have painful, chronic, even life-threatening illnesses who are an inspiration to everyone around them. We’ve all met the woman with cancer, in pain and wasting away, who is nevertheless cheerful and encouraging to others. We also know someone who has nothing, and yet seems to understand so much more than most. We’ve heard stories of or perhaps have visited, villages that are desperately poor and yet seem much happier than us.
We also all know that person, the one with the equivalent of a hangnail who makes himself, and everyone around him, miserable. Arguably, all of these people are suffering. They all have problems, they are all in pain, and they are all dealing with situations in which they would rather not be. And yet only one is miserable.
We have it backwards
Have you noticed how much misery has become something we wear with pride? How, often when you ask someone how they’re doing, you get back a version of “I’m so tired (stressed, frazzled). There’s just so much to do all the time!” I also hear “life sucks and then you die,” or the classic “good as can be expected.” It’s as if misery is a badge of honor.
Remember when we used to make fun of people for unconsciously saying “fine” in response? No more. Now the cool thing is to let everyone know how hard life is, how miserable we are. Misery doesn’t actually love company. Misery specifically loves miserable company.
So we take pride in our misery, but at the same time we think that if we only believe devoutly enough, work hard enough, eat well enough, exercise enough, or spend enough time being “mindful” then we can overcome the basic fact that true happiness is elusive. It ebbs and flows, going away just as easily as it comes. We also believe the corollary, that those in more difficult circumstances are somehow to blame for their own fate. Hurricanes happen because of “the gay agenda,” black people of color are poor because they choose to live in inner cities.
Those examples are extreme but there are everyday examples, too. Check yourself: next time you encounter or read a story about someone who is homeless or ill or in some other way experiencing a harder life than you, notice whether you have a tendency to blame them for their circumstances. Do you find yourself thinking that if they are suffering, it must be because they did something to deserve it?
I’m ashamed to admit that try as I might, I find myself unconsciously doing just that. It’s hard work to stop myself.
The root of suffering is that we won’t let go
Last week I talked about the 3 types of suffering in buddhist philosophy: ordinary suffering, the suffering of change, and existential suffering. The buddhist solution is to understand that the root of all three kinds of suffering is attachment. We stay attached to the idea that we should be happy and not suffer all the time, so when something small happens to disrupt our day we get miserable. See how that works?
When we are happy, we want it to last forever. We get attached to feeling good, and instead of enjoying ourselves in the moment we try to “make the moment last.” Instead of letting go into the natural suffering that comes from things changing, we get miserable.
Life is constantly moving on, changing, and full of challenges. That means we’re not happy and comfortable all the time; that’s suffering, by which I simply mean that it’s unpleasant. That’s not the problem. The problem is being attached to the idea that there is some magic antidote in this world – or the next – that will keep us from experiencing pain. That’s what makes us miserable, and that’s a choice.
Want to not be miserable, to really see that your misery is optional? Try being really present today to how you feel, and what you’re thinking, and – maybe especially – who you’re with.
Show up, dig in, and do the work.
Dr Les Kertay
